Matrimonial Prospects for the Thirty-Something
Q I am a 37-year-old Indian woman who's still single (needless to say, my parents are not happy with this situation). I would very much like to find a partner. I'm wondering why it seems so incredibly hard to find someone these days. While many of my friends are now married, I do have several friends in the same boat. Any suggestions?
A Let me reassure you—you and your unmarried friends are, most definitely, not the only ones finding yourselves in this situation.
Unfortunately, there is, in fact, a disparity in the numbers of single men and women in your age group in the country at this time. According to the 2010 census, there are around 32 million single women in the United States who are 35 and over; whereas, there are only around 22 million single men in the same age category. This disparity in men’s favor is further compounded by the tendency of some men to prefer marrying younger women.
While this disparity is not within your control, it's empowering to realize that both your mindset and level of flexibility are.
I'd like to share three common pitfalls, regarding mindset and flexibility, to avoid.
Ask yourself:
• Do you happen to have a mile-long checklist of expectations with respect to your prospective partner?
• Do you have a tendency to rule guys out rather than in?
• Are you beginning to believe that there are just no good men left?
We experience life through our beliefs. What we believe affects what we experience. Our subconscious mind doesn’t like inconsistencies between our beliefs and our reality, so it will actively seek out confirmatory evidence to affirm the beliefs we hold.
So, for example, if one of your beliefs is that there are just no good men left, your subconscious will get to work finding flaws in the men you meet to prove you right.
This belief then ends up limiting your chances of finding a good man.
That is why it can be so incredibly empowering to get out of your own way. How? One of the best ways to do so is to invest concerted efforts into first identifying and then eliminating any limiting beliefs.
Empowered women are attractive to men, regardless of age, and it's never too late to find love.
Best wishes!
Jasbina is the founder and president of Intersections Match, the only personalized matchmaking and dating coaching firm serving singles of South Asian descent in the United States. She is also the host of Intersections Talk Radio, a monthly lifestyle show featuring conversations with published authors/experts on relationships, health and wellness. www.IntersectionsMatch.com.Jasbina@intersectionsmatch.com.
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Here is a bit of cliched advice! Are you ready to have fun with boyfriends, lovers or live-in-mates without constantly obsessing about marriage? Sometimes "marriage obsession" can turn some men off. Some men prefer it slow and steady. When they are ready they'll let you know, and they'll come after you.
At the same time you don't want to be the third wheel who is always adjusting, adapting and trying to be the best humored gal around that will give them fun without commitment! Some men expect that, and then take you for granted or use you. So be careful of that too! The joke is even private dancers want a million dollars and to live by the sea ; have a husband, some children...and a family (from Tina Turner's song "Private Dancer")!
People did not understand or accept when I, a radical feminist single woman for a long time (up until my late 30s too), wanted to tie the knot. I married a very nice guy with a terrible degenerative illness that I realized would either make me a sacrificing nun, or a divorcee in a short time. I took a chance...and after nine years I'll be divorcing because his illness has taken the better of us. Though it has been up and down for awhile we will remain wonderful friends, and I shall always love him (not in love)...
I shall love him for his kindness to me and his generosity (when I needed it most as a struggling academic). He promises to be a great ex...and he will be!
I've had wonderful dates, lovers and one sweet nice husband who'll be a one sweet nice ex. All these men were exceptions...So I agree with you if you believe there are more jerks than good guys...which is why I stayed single for a long time. (Second time around I expect it to get better. I do not want damaged men...and there are too many of them. Many are damaged by their families, mothers, fathers, ex-wives, work, bosses, business and patriarchy. Too many damaged men...)
So keep your standards high always, without judging men on silly or trivial issues! Don't mind short guys,fat guys, balding guys, older looking guys or even guys with cholestrol or high blood pressure. Some divorced American men can be great. Divorced Indian men usually need lots of counseling...which is what I did when I dated them. They wasted my time and talent! :)) It might be a different scene now.
Try artists who might need your money...but they'll be good house husbands, drive you to work, take care of the kids, clean, cook and even make love on the kitchen floor while making guitar or drum sounds with their mouth. :))
And one more advice! Get out of Silicon Valley! I hate engineers. My family is full of them and they are boring! I married one, and that may be one more reason to "divorce"! :)) My husband, soon to be ex, says he'll marry a social worker or an academic or a social scientist in a jiffy after being with me. I, on the other hand, do not want another engineer. I'll take a CEO to that...and that is a pretty low standard for a liberal Berkeley flower-in the-hair desi gal! :))
And never stop dancing...even alone in your living room!
Here is a my lyrics to the song "Like a Dynamite".
I throw my hands up in the air sometimes Saying AYO! Gotta let go! I wanna celebrate and live my life Saying AYO! Baby, let's go!
'Cause I'm gonna' rock this life I'm gon' go all night I'm gon' light it up Life is a dynamite!
I told you once I told you twice I gon' light it up no matter what Life is a dynamite!
Enjoy!
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