Verdict Without a Trial
Unconscionable! Shameless liars! Sinners! A popular social networking site was abuzz with comments on adultery recently. As I read through the comment thread, I realized that I had become an unwitting witness to a section of society publically denigrating people they deemed to be unfaithful to their partners. Their comments reflected a mob mentality that serves a judgment on impulse rather than reason. I felt as if I was right in the middle of a scene from the old Bollywood movie Roti where a group of villagers pelt stones at a woman accusing her of prostitution. The only difference here was that this mob did not pelt stones; rather they unleashed a verbal tirade on social media.
As I mulled over the issue, I wondered—is it healthy for a society to crystallize something as intimate and personal as moral righteousness into “one size fits all” and enforce it upon everyone? Do we as a society tend to sacrifice common sense for the sake of morality? As external observers, are we privy to all the details of why a relationship is the way it is? Without giving the “accused” an opportunity to tell his or her story, isn’t the verdict fundamentally flawed?
I believe it is one thing to be against adultery, another thing to presume that all those who have transgressed must have no conscience, no dignity and no self-worth. I certainly do NOT advocate insincerity to your partner. Adultery is neither a matter of pride nor a welcome change in the social ethos. But I would also not jump the gun to term someone a “sinner” just because he has deviated from widely accepted norms of right and wrong. It is very easy to condemn and scorn someone who has acted against your ideas of morality and, thereby, shaken the social fabric that comforts you. However, it takes prudence to step back and re-look at the issue objectively. Sometimes a different picture may emerge.
It is a well-known fact that many Indian marriages are not born out of love. A beautiful relationship such as marriage tends to lose its meaning when people jump into it without understanding its primal component—synchronicity of two souls. The basis of marriage should be the union of two souls, not an arrangement for two minds. But we often see marriages that are merely social arrangements out of need or convenience. The oft unspoken rationales for matrimony, especially in Indian society, include the fulfilment of social, cultural, physical, economic, or legal needs, the assuagement of family elders’ wishes or very simply the mounting pressure of aging. This means that a) one or both the partners may not have the right maturity and outlook to unify with another soul or b) souls lacking harmony at the mental or a deeper level may attempt unification through marriage. In either case, the disharmony creates an imbalance which can take away meaning from the relation and prevent it from achieving its true potential. This disharmony may eventually level out in some marriages but in the remaining, it is only a matter of time before the cracks appear.
Many accept this dysfunction as an inescapable reality of matrimony and remain muted to its toxicity. In such couples, the dysfunction manifests as a gradual fading of the passion and interest in their partner and concomitant loneliness. The idea of returning home to the partner or spending time with him no longer stirs excitement. In other couples where the dysfunction is not readily accepted, it becomes more and more evident in the form of frequent disagreements, fights, disappointments, criticism, and mutual resentment.
Whether muted or apparent, the dysfunction does create an undercurrent of gloom and discontentment. Meeker souls often choose to suffer silently and divert their attention to other areas of life such as children, friends, or career to seek acceptance and meaning. And for ones more zealous to life, digression becomes a real possibility, either to fill-in the gaps or just for the thrill of feeling alive again.
Cynics would argue that divorce is always an option. I agree. But it is also true that the same society that condemns adultery is also not very accepting and encouraging of divorcees. Women especially, are taunted (directly or indirectly) and chastised for giving up on their marriage. They are constantly reminded of the stigma associated with divorce. This creates a toxic atmosphere of fear and despair that can sap vital life energy from a person who feels pressured to continue in the dysfunctional marriage rather than ruffle any feathers. If divorce is a matter of shame and adultery a sin, I humbly ask—isn’t this indirect repression as equal a matter of shame as divorce? Isn’t condemning someone to a life of useless arguments, blame, accusations, “silent treatments,” and unspoken despondency as sinful as adultery?
Any meaningful discussion on this issue is moot without understanding the root cause of these dysfunctional relationships. At the root of all ills that plague human relationships. including ego, jealousy, insecurity, and insincerity, lies a weakened human spirit. This weakening is a direct or indirect consequence of social and moral conditioning that forces individuals to act and react in a pre-programmed manner. That is why we see people marrying and staying in unhappy marriages for the wrong reasons. Such a malnourished seed cannot grow into a healthy tree. Love, respect, trust, and commitment, which are the true fundaments of a meaningful relationship, cannot grow out of guilt, inveiglement, coercion, or collective enforcement from the outside. In reality, even when the love has not blossomed from within, people go on pretending to love because the social conventions of marriage demand you must love your partner. Even when there is no commitment, they feign it because the marriage implies commitment. These presumed “should” and “should-nots” affixed to marriage trap people in their own mind, creating immeasurable misery and suffering. The relationship becomes one of bondage, not of joy.
I believe that, to address this difficult issue, we must aim to empower individuals by investing significantly into their spiritual development. Often the primary focus is on developing one’s mental and intellectual ability to excel in the material world. This impetus tends to create individuals who may achieve material success but are often disconnected from their true self. This disconnect is the root of mental ills such as ego, anger, and possessiveness that undermine human relationships. If marriage is a spiritual union of two souls, how can we expect an individual, who is disconnected and fragmented from within, to build a meaningful relationship with another?
It is, therefore, important to encourage those preparing for matrimony to enquire into the significance of marriage beyond the mere fulfilment of a social and cultural duty. Rather than matching horoscopes and comparing caste, religion, education, or affluence levels, mutual harmony should be the most important criterion. To build that harmony, they must work to create a solid foundation through open and honest communication, and development of mutual respect based on a deep understanding of each other’s direction and purpose in life.
When a relation has fallen prey to dysfunction and one or both the partners have resorted to digression, it is essential that we refrain from taking sides and not focus our energy on criticism, reprehension, and mud-slinging. The best approach would be to allow the concerned couple to introspect and seek a mutually acceptable solution. After all, we cannot expect to cure a dysfunction that has arisen out of anomalies in the structural elements of our own society through a single panacea derived out of morality. It is the hallmark of an intelligent and tolerant society that it does not fixate on concepts of morality. There is a glowing example of such open-mindedness in Indian culture. For eons, Indians have worshipped the divine union of Krishna and a married woman Radha. But no one ever calls Radha an “adulterer” or Krishna a “sinner.” That’s because their love is considered so divine that it transcends the socially defined boundaries of moral behaviour. In fact, their union remains the timeless epitome of love. If we can worship Radha-Krishna with our heart and soul, then it behooves us to show restraint in dealing with the “sinners” among us.
Chetan writes on new dimensions of understanding in love, relationships, and human consciousness. This article is excerpted from his forthcoming book. He blogs at www.theloverumor.com
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Chetan - Thank you soo much for openly addressing a topic that is considered a stigma in the South Asian community. You handled it with such sensitivity. I know of US raised Indian American women (succesful professionals) who married for love and whose spouses still committed adultery. So I am seeing it happen everywhere.
Interesting and a well written article however it is nothing but a bunch of excuses for someone committing adultery. The question is not whether to judge a person or not, it is about whether cheating is alright or not. No one expects these days for people to stay in a miserable marriage, one always has the option of divorce. When a person cheats all they do is hurt, humiliate and strip their spouse of dignity. The author talks about taking an objective view but he has totally failed to see the situation from the point of someone who gets cheated on.
Thanks for the article, and I was shocked at how many married desis have affairs. I am not married to a desi, and I have only dated a few before my marriage. Most of them hated my feminist views...which were more pure and moral than their pretentious self that lacked honesty, courage and self awareness.
Believe me, a good vibrator is better than most desi men! (Now watch all the attacks I get!) I am kidding, but only partially!
I think some of these affairs that you are talking about are probably coming from childish people who do not know how to talk and have a good time with the opposite sex (if they are heterosexual) without jumping into bed. These are mostly unevolved human beings who need lots of therapy on basic self awareness, communication, connection, intimacy, spirituality and non-sexual relationships.
A Catholic friend once said to me that she thinks Indian couples, influenced by Indian culture, are like traditional Catholics or Jews who "pretend marriage or stay in one out of duty, obligation, social image, religion and children"...and then have affairs (with other married women or men usually).
Is this true?
What I approve of is "women having paid lovers" - usually single men who are remunerated for their sexual services. That is honest, direct and healthy. And it is time men knew how to satisfy and serve women! :))
I've always admired Black women for taking on lovers with the full knowledge of their spouse, or even an ex. These men's job is to satisfy them sexually. They call them f--- mates! It is direct, blunt and to the point. No cheating, no lying, no dishonesty, no insecurity and no affairs...And none of this coy pretentions, game playing, mind manipulations and hypocrisy.
Indian or American hypocrisy will never disappear with this kind of secrecy, pretentions, imposed traditionalism and lack of openness.
I like upper class women, professional women or feminists buying specific services from men - healthy, young and direct. But how many such men are available? This is common in gay circles, and for heterosexual men (look at the number of escort services for them). But for women it is almost none.
Some desi guy should start this! :))
Desi men have a thousand years to go before being honest good healthy lovers. But I still consider desi men to be the best brothers and non-sexual friends and buddies in the world.
Now any phone number for male escort service for women -a handsome healthy hunk who knows a few tricks (with protection)...and is cheap? :))
I had my email broken into, and a strange note sent to me about some seriel rapist who is loose in Texas going after Black alumini (who were once part of a sorority). Later MSNBC (that great epitome of liberal corporate news -with an exception of a few journalists on board) had a scrawler on this.
So, who is trying to intimidate me?
Is this some men in 15th century Europe, 17th century US, 18th century India or 19th century Middle East where women openly talking about sexuality scares these men that they want to silence her. But if we cook, clean and mother them then they like it?
What is wrong with these people who broke into my email after my tounge in cheek comment, and send this strange note?Is the report intended to "keep women indoors, asexual, scared, traditional, walking around in fear ...? What is the intention?
Is it intended to disparage Black women...because I complimented Black women for their openness about certain things? Is this intended to tell smart strong intelligent women through some "media thugs" (who break in and then try to send cunning indirect messages of threats) that cooking cleaning role with some sweet old fashioned image of "mothering and nurturing" is what they will support and endorse as it makes them safe?
Which thug, with a 15th century mindset, would do that?
But it shows how fearful men are of "women's sexuality - of women even talking about it", and "women expressing their sexuality" beyond 25 or 30? But these same morons are perfectly comfortable being coy, cunning and hypocritical...by having affairs while wearing their traditional clothes or their traditional appearances!
What cowardliness too?
If writing something elicits this kind of response...imagine what they'd do to that 26 year oid protestor if she protested without a scarf?
Why are these men so boyish, crude, crazy and...have such a poor dichotomized view of women? And what does it say about these men or boy-men if they have to cover up their little girls in scarves, or demand that the women only play right into three or four roles (asexual girliness, devoted wife, nurturing mother and protestor in white, black or grey).
I suspected some reponse...not this! I'd like Currents to do some investigation on this.
Anonymous: Thank you for your generous comment. Firstly, marriage out of love is no antidote to adultery. A marriage out of love is never "the" problem. It's the underlying "love" or rather the distorted idea of love that presents the real problem. Society as it is, rarely encourages the individual to explore and experience within, rather it provides a predetermined set answers to existential conundrums such as love. When one derives his ideas about love from sources such as books, movies, friends, family and sensory experiences (which almost everyone does), he becomes prone to misidentify attraction and concordance at the level of mind as authentic love. However real it may appear, however deep it may be felt - as long as the business-mind is at the helm of affairs, the love is restricted to the mind and such love alone can not sustain the marriage forever. Therefore, the mind must rationalize the relation time and again for you to continue in the marriage. (cont.. below)
(contd from above) Assuming that love (love usually felt by the conscious or sub-conscious mind) alone is the panacea for success in relationships is a fundamental misconception that creates unhealthy expectations and hence the resultant misery and disillusionment with love. A faulty foundation cannot be expected to guarantee a stable structure for long. This is one of those facts of life which is difficult to overlook. (contd. below)
(contd from above) Secondly, even if the love is authentic (not just mind-centered), if it is not nurtured, the relation will fail to reach its potential and fizzle out eventually. The relationship seed has a limitless potential of growth but like any seed, it is prone to malnourishment and stagnation if both partners do not grow deeper in synchrony.
Shobana: There is no dearth of voices from those who get cheated on. Their hurt and anguish is well-publicized, can be seen and heard in many TV serials, movies and in real life from your kith and kin. I am not suggesting that they have no reason to be upset. They do. Just that with this article, I wanted to bring to attention the oft-forgotten fact that there could be another side of the story. Often swayed by religious and moral principles, people tend to forget the cosmic truth - What is readily apparent to your senses may not always be the actuality.
You say that the real question is if cheating is alright or not. Are you actually putting this up for debate? Coz I ain't even debating on this one. Let me tell you cheating is never alright! If adultery has happened, that means there is a dysfunction somewhere in the relation. All I ask from the "mature" people is to investigate the root of dysfunction before going bonkers and crowing hoarsely all over the place that you've been wronged and how evil your partner is! How one responds in such a situation is the true measure of his intelligence and maturity.
Also, can you really expect to correct a problem by scolding, shaming and disgracing someone? Have you tried this approach of chiding and shaming your children for their mistakes? Has it worked? You don't really solve a complex problem by beating drums of morality and principles. You just make noise and cause commotion. This is the typical response of the hypocritical eastern society. Without an attempt to understand the underlying dysfunction that created the problem, you cannot uproot it. Go ahead and try it. Lemme know if you find success. It is this sort of a pigheaded puritanical approach to life's conundrums that has created many ills in our society. Repression, shaming, disgracing, physical violence, ostracism or any other approach the seemingly moral society may take does not reform the adulterers. It just scares them into submission creating immense pain and misery all round.
(contd from above) To assume, everyone who cheats is ill-willed is asinine. To assume that some extravagant ceremonies and some mantras chanted in presence of a priest can make a relation sacred, holy and eternal is again a sign of pigeonholed thinking. No ceremony can make a relation sacred - it's the synchrony between two people that makes a relation sacred. If there is dissonance between the partners at any level (physical, mental or spiritual), the relation is intrinsically prone to faltering. You can force someone to stay in marraige but that will be only the body, not the mind and the soul.
What truly makes a relation holy is love beyond the businessman mind and a deep-seated respect for the other's life. And which does not come automatically through. The way marriages happen in eastern societies, love is not a requirement, rather an unexpected bonus. The marriage is expected to sustain with or without love. If you can find love with your partner, great. If not, so what? Love is not everything. And the reasons given by the parents and society to remain in dysfunctional marriages (pls excuse the humor):
This is the way marriages are. Deal with it (Meaning: You have no choice but to shoehorn yourself into the marriage)
Sacrifice is the cornerstone to a marriage (Meaning: Sacrifice yourself)
You can't expect everything to be perfect (Meaning: If you were expecting true love and real harmony from the "sacred" marriage, you are expecting too much!)
Things will change with time (Meaning: You'll get used to it with time)
Look at us. We have managed to love each other despite everything (Meaning: Drop your intelligence. If we can live a dumb life, so can you)
Divorce is shameful for our society (Meaning: Who gives a damn about your life and happiness? You are not that important. We rather care about the relatives or the inconsequential bunch of neighbors and nagging friends. )
And, if you think that "No one expects these days for people to stay in a miserable marriage" is factually true, think again.
Dear Dr. MS - I applaud your candor. I can understand the "vibrator" comment. I guess the underlying reason for this is unwillingness of desi men to understand that the pleasure of their woman is as important as their own. Also, the repressive Indian society has made such a taboo of sex that mn rarely explore and experiment so they remain lousy lovers. I understand our view point but I would not call people who have affairs unevolved - as it implies that those who do not have affairs are evolved. I have no authority to pass judgment on other's evolution. I only request an objective and fair treatment of every human being. Mind you, a majority of cases of adultery is not purely about the physical act of sex but much more than that. Therapy cannot fill in a void, or make you feel alive again. These are questions that bear roots beyond the mind and just playing around with the mind cannot resolve those issues.
Open marriage or having paid sexual services is a personal decision. Personally, I would not want to be in an open marriage or have to pay for sex but thats me. Sexual compatibility can definitely be determined before one jumps into marriage. Beside, sex is not only a physical act. Paid sex rarely goes beyond the realm of body and to me, that is just not worth it. And who wants to pay for sex when it is freely available. You just gotta know how to use your charms :)
Upper class or lower class - I have never understood what this class is and who defines this. I am sorry - for all your talk about open-mindedness, this class talk kinda spoils the taste. For me, there is only two class of humans - those who are awake and those who are sleeping in ignorance, yet to awaken themselves. Whether the ignorance is in form of judgement, condemnation, ego, pride, high-class, low-class, superiority complex, inferiority complex, anger, hatred, guilt, shame, possessiveness, control, intolerance, prejudice, bigotry/dogmatism, greed - whatever, its all the same. The pendulum may at this end or that end, doesnt matter - its not in balance.
My question to you is: Why do you feel the strong urge to "buy" services? Why not try and find a worthy partner without involving money? And also why stay in a marriage if you are sexually unfulfilled to an extent where you have to look for services outside? What is marriage to you? Just wondering.
In response to : "I had my email broken into..." -
Dear Dr. MS -
On one hand, I appreciate your forthrightness. On the other hand, I would refrain from pigeonholing entire race of men for being against women's rights to freedom and sexual liberation. Yes many men wear bigotry with pride. I can't speak for everyone but I know of many men who would stand with women in all their quests. I talk to women all the time and many a times, I have to ask them to stop considering their own self as weak or inferior to men. I have chided many, and I am sure I will continue to do so in future as many woman often do not realize their inner strength.
I am sorry your email was broken into. I would request you to just try and smile this off as an act of cowardice. Sometimes a dignified response is the best answer to such inanity. BTW, women toady have turned tables on men in many ways.I've met women who have virtually interviewed me and tried to put a price tag on me - "Do you have a US Master's degree" "How much do you earn?" "Do you have a green card?" "Whats the social status of your family?" "How many female frends do you have?" "Do you have a wife back in India?" "Do you think you ll get back with your ex-gf if she approaches you" - I always laugh it off. Narrowmindedness and stupidty have no gender. Its more funny than offensive.
Chetan,
Very well written article. But most importantly I would like to thank word web which helped me to understand this article in a better way...lol :p
On a serious note, what I feel is adultery is some thing which is not in one's control. I agree to the fact of the matter that there is some major f*** up in relation which leads to adultery but there are few genuine people as well who may love more than one gal at a same time. Now it totally depends on an individual how he analyses this particular situation.
You never know when you fall in love with some one unknown. Some people move with what society says and get married to a unknown gal (ARRANGE MARRIAGE). But at the later stage of their life they realize that they are not happy and may do adultery.
As I have always thought, its always better to say good bye to the relation than to live with it in pain. Life is one and every one has the right to enjoy. Person should think independently and not with what society says or thinks. Good/Bad will be the result of individual's decision. But he will be mentally satisfied.
I loved the way the article gives a well balanced perspective of the whole "issue". Chetan, very well written article.
On a personal note, it is joy to see you growing as an author.
My two cents on the topic.
At the end of the day, noone has a right to judge another person without actually being in the shoes of that person. So I totally agree that making blanket statements about a certain action or incident without knowing much about the circumstances is not a very wise.
The more I live and learn the more I become aware of how little I know. The most difficult of things to fathom is the inner working of a mind. So taking the Buddhist perspective, I would not judge someone based on the action as such but more on the volition of the person.
Having said that, I do believe in being honest and truthful to your partner and if a relationship is not working, the best approach would be to be upfront about it with your partner. If two people who came together for a set of reasons, don't feel like they resonate with each other anymore, more time needs to be invested in going to the root cause of the issue rather than making another mistake - getting involved with another person and expanding the circle of misery.
Relationships are a two way street and I personally believe that when one relationship does not seem to work, the partners need time away from each other to be able to be able to figure out what part of the dysfunction is coming from the partner and which part is due to one's own habit patterns. If one is not mindful enough, there is every possibility that one will face the exact same problems in any other relationship one gets into - adulterous or otherwise.
I like the fact that Chetan is touching upon the spiritual dimension. If a person getting into a relationship is doing it for the right reasons, stemming from his or her own consciousness and not for social acceptance, there is definitely a higher chance for the relationship to be healthier. If there is a constant communication between the partners as each partner progresses on his or her own individual spiritual journeys, and frequent check-ins to see that they are on the same page and moving together, there would be no reason to lie to the partner and get into another relationship without the knowledge of the partner. This might prove to be a short term diversion but will end up causing misery to all parties involved.
If a relationship grows in the fertile soil of mutual understanding, truth and trust and is nourished with love and common vision, there will be very little reason left for partners to cheat on each other.
It is beneficial to spend enough time and energy before making a commitment and be aware of the changes in the relationship. One of my friend says , " One inch apart in the beginning and poles apart in the end".
Thanks for the article, Chetan. You made some great points. Re: adultery, it is oftentimes easier to judge another- to blame, point fingers, and/or condemn- than to take the time to examine the situation from all perspectives. To do so, it requires one to step back from the emotional response, which is usually the initial response, and evaluate the situation based on the unique circumstance between the two individuals. The issue of adultery is such a subjective issue that there can never be one right perspective (objective answer). And morality is not black or white. Morality is subjective and individualistic. One cannot impose one's morals on another. It is more productive for both partners to each take responsibility for what happened (which means to look inwardly) rather than to place blame (using external excuses).
I agree with Chetan that spirituality is an issue that needs to be incorporated into our personal development. Sometimes I wonder, though, what it means to be spiritually aware or spiritually awakened. We should be careful not to equate spiritual awareness with the notion that we will have superior judgments or will never make mistakes. It simply means that we have developed a deeper sense of responsibility for ourselves and to others. That means that we can no longer point fingers to external factors- e.g. society, family obligation, social norms- for our "wrong" doings or flaws; instead, we realize that the choices we make are our own and we take responsibility for that.
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